


A Heart Can Only Be Broken Once

by Twentyonellamas



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-02-13 19:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12991125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twentyonellamas/pseuds/Twentyonellamas
Summary: Summary: Um… I’m so bad at these. Basically, Ivar is an impatient lil’ shit, OC character gets raped, but before Ivar finds out, he makes it a lot worse for the both of them due to misunderstandings and lack of communication. Could be a part two if people want it.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first imagine/fanfic etc, so please don’t be too harsh. Feedback is always extremely welcome. This could be a part two if people like it. Mostly I am posting it and writing it because I have too many pent up Ivar feels and a slight (terrible) obsession with him and I needed a place to let it out. 
> 
> Trigger warning: Rape/Gang rape- though not very detailed. I don’t think there are any more, just angst and a bit of sadness I suppose.

The wind swept my hair, tugging it and pulling it in every direction. I tuned out the faint laughter and voices booming all around. The feast welcoming the sons of Ragnar Lothbrok back in Kattegat after their two-month raid was only just starting but I couldn’t stand being in there, being near him. The breath of fresh air was welcomed into my lungs and I focused my eyes on the moon shining brightly right up ahead. It was a full moon, and I always enjoyed the harsh glow that lit up the whole village. 

“Why aren’t you celebrating with everyone?” A voice asked behind me. Ubbe.

“I have,” I said. “I drank ale, got good, hot food in my belly. I celebrated, Ubbe.”

He leaned his back against the tree next to me. I could see him perfectly thanks to the moon illuminating every part of his face. “How were you these past couple of months?”

I held his gaze for a few beats before turning to look at the sky again. “Fine, thank you. I missed you,” I bumped my hips into his, making him chuckle. “ How was the raid?”

“We went. We saw. We conquered,” he shrugged. “Ivar is getting more skilled at planning our attacks. We have yet to lose a battle, as much as it hurts my pride as the eldest.”

His name being mentioned made my stomach flip. Ivar. Ivar the Boneless, the most feared man across all of the land. He bathed in the blood of his enemies and laid on their lifeless bodies. The man who mended and then broke my heart.

Ubbe took a step towards me reaching out to touch my hand, but I flinched at the contact. “Please, don’t,” I whimpered, tears slowly prickling my eyes. I wrapped my hands around myself and plopped down on the grass.

I felt Ubbe mirroring my actions and do the same. “What’s wrong?” he asked, concern audible in his voice. “Has anything happened?”

“I just don’t like to be touched, Ubbe. Not anymore,” I said, holding back the tears.

We sat in silence for a while, listening to the faint voices echoing off into the distance and into the night. I felt him reach out again but he pulled himself back, hesitant. I grabbed his hand in mine and relaxed, closing my eyes to focus solely on my breath. Before I knew it, I let the darkness swallow me whole.

The brightness of the sun is what jostled me out of my sleep first. The birds sang their morning songs with all of their might. My hand felt clammy in Ubbe’s but it was still there and he held onto it tightly. Sometime during the night, I must have laid my head on his shoulder, my neck was beginning to ache.

“Well, I see you’re already getting cosy there, Kari.” Ivar. I would recognise that voice anywhere. “Going to warm his bed, too?”

My eyes turned to the source of the voice and there he was. Sitting down across from me, looking as handsome as ever and for a second I let myself be taken aback by his beauty. His chestnut hair entwined in braids, his eyes holding the glint of mischief that could be found behind the icy coldness. Once upon a time, those were the ocean eyes I wanted to drown in. I would have gladly suffocated, tied an anchor to myself and jump without as much as a breath to keep me alive a little while longer.

“You don’t get to say that, Ivar,” I seethed, clenching my teeth together. “You don’t get to judge me, or my choices, or who I touch or let in between my thighs. “

His eyes darkened, a storm forming in the blue of his eyes. He worked his jaw, clenching it and unclenching it repeatedly, flaring his nostrils.

“I get to say whatever I want, Kari,” he spat. His gaze fell upon my hand that was still clasped in Ubbe’s. He began to crawl towards me, slowly and deliberately. His movements mimicked those of a snake, slowly slithering, a predator making a move on his prey. As he got to me, his face barely inches away from mine, he grabbed my chin and turned my face so I would look into his eyes.

“You’re mine,” he whispered. “Or have you forgotten that already, my love?”

“I belong to no one but myself, Ivar,“ I spat back, letting go of Ubbe’s hand and placing it on Ivar’s chest. “Now let me go and leave me alone.” I pushed him back to get up, waking Ubbe up in the process.

Ubbe jostled up and immediately got in between Ivar and me. “I think it’s best you leave, little brother,” he said to Ivar after seeing me distressed.

This seemed to only anger the youngest prince more, his features darkening with every second. “You don’t tell me what to do, Ubbe.”

“Please, just leave Ivar,” I said, pleading with my eyes and voice. He looked at me for a second, his eyes darting between me and Ubbe, before finally crawling away towards the town.

Letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, I brought my knees up to my chest and let the tears fall. I felt Ubbe sit next to me. “Don’t,” I said, as he tried to wrap his arms around me. “Please, just leave me alone.”

“I can’t do that, Kari. You’re clearly upset and I care for you too much to leave you here alone.” His soothing voice calmed me down enough to look up at him and send him a reassuring smile.

“I’m fine Ubbe, really.” I nodded at him and he looked at me once more before getting up to leave.

I sat by the tree, leaning against it and I stared up at the sky, counting the clouds and imagining various shapes. The night it happened still haunted me. The men, the laughter, the smell of ale fresh on their breaths. The way their fingers felt clasped around my neck. The roughness and the panic coursing through my body, as I struggled to breathe, let alone scream for help. The pain I felt for weeks after they were inside me, in every way they could find.

I remember Ivar crawling back to our house, but I couldn’t be touched. I couldn’t move, I felt numbness overwhelm my senses and limbs. He was too drunk to tell and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the bed. I got my stuff and headed back to my own home. Since I spent so much time with Ivar and in his bed, my own felt too foreign and I couldn’t sleep for the whole night.

The next morning, Ivar sought me out as soon as his eyes opened. I couldn’t talk to him, even though he was the only one I wanted to be around, to tell what happened, but no matter how much he urged me to, my throat clogged up and words failed me every single time. I couldn’t let him inside me, I couldn’t let him see me like this. Over the next two weeks, I tried to tell him what happened, but I still could not find the words. I knew he would find them and kill them as soon as he found out but the wounds were still too fresh. He watched me, like a hawk stalking his next toy. I could see the hurt etched deep in his eyes but he stopped trying to talk to me.

The day before the raid I saw his hands all over a slave girl, one with beautiful features, hair so blonde and eyes so pure and innocent a part of me almost didn’t blame him for wanting her. His smile was beaming at her, her eyes sultry and a knowing smirk graced her rosy lips whenever she looked at him. She leaned up to kiss him and that was when I felt my heart shatter. He didn’t stop her, in fact, he reciprocated her kiss just as passionately before he led them to the closest bedroom, shutting the wooden door behind them without so much as a second glance. I couldn’t watch, not any more so I went to cry the night away, finding comfort only when exhaustion lulled me to sleep. Before the raid, I told him it was over.

“You can’t do that,” he seethed. His blue orbs getting darker by the second. “You’re mine. Mine.”

I threw my head back in mock laughter. “Was I yours when you were fucking your slave girl last night?”

He looked taken aback and dropped his eyes in shame, his jaw clenching in place. That’s when I knew I was right. He fucked her. I began to walk away before tears would spill for the umpteenth time. I refused to see let him have the satisfaction of seeing my tears.

“Don’t leave,” he grabbed my arm harshly, tugging me back.

I whirled around, mustering the courage to slap his cheek as hard as I could. “Don’t you fucking touch me. You lost that right the moment you decided to forget about me for long enough to fuck another woman.”

I stormed away and that was the last time I saw him, until today.

Snapping back to reality, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and steady my shaking hands. I could do this, I told myself repeatedly. It was my mantra to heal my wounds and I would tell myself I can do this over and over if it meant finally healing and letting go of my love for him and what they have done to me.

I headed home to get changed and clean, get myself ready for the new day ahead. The village was roaming with people, it was nice seeing the faces of people you haven’t seen for a long while and I smiled at everyone I saw.

“Kari!”

I turned around to see Ubbe jogging up to me, his eyes full of concern. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Ubbe. Really,” I reassured him again, and threw him what I hoped was a convincing smile.

Ubbe grinned back at me and I was struck by how good looking he was. I never allowed myself to admire other men, my eyes were always and only for Ivar but Ubbe was the kind of man my father wanted me to have. Good, honourable, polite, respectful. Sometimes I wonder why I fell for Ivar instead of Ubbe. Maybe things would have been so much easier, and my heart would still be whole.

“You should come join the feast tonight,” he said. I could tell he was nervous, his hands fidgeted at his side but his face let nothing on. I just knew him too well, others would not have noticed.

“I’m not sure, Ubbe. I’m not really in a festive mood these days,” I sighed.

He reached out and put his arm on my shoulder.”Come, I will keep you company.”

“You promise?”

“I promise, Kari,” he chuckled and squeezed my arm, letting his hand linger a little longer than usual.

“Okay, I will come,” I agreed, smiling truly for the first time in a long time. “I will see you then, Ubbe.”

As we parted ways, I couldn’t help but feel the excitement fizzle up inside me. Ubbe was nice, he showed me nothing but kindness our whole lives. Maybe Ubbe was the balm my heart needed to mend what they and Ivar broke.

The night came soon and I headed for the Great Hall that was already filling up to the brim with people. Shield-maidens, Vikings already drinking and eating their way into a stupor. My eyes searched out for Ubbe and it wasn’t long before I felt someone grab my waist from behind.

“I see you have decided to grace us this evening, my love,” the voice whispered into my ear, causing a shiver run down my body and goosebumps to grace my skin. I could tell that voice anywhere. I hated how he still managed to evoke such a reaction out of my body. “You look as ravishing as always.”

“I didn’t come here for you, Ivar,” I seethed through my teeth, ripping his hands off of my body and taking a step away.

I turned around to face him. He had dark circles around his eyes, his face more pale and thinner than usual. His blue orbs were dark, there was a menacing glow to them that made my breath hitch in my throat.

Just before he had a chance to reply, I saw Ubbe heading towards me. I smiled causing Ivar to turn around and look at what it was aimed at.

“You look beautiful tonight, Kari,” said Ubbe, smiling softly at me.

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, turning them hot. Thank the gods the light was too dim for them to notice. “Thank you, Ubbe. I tend to clean up nice sometimes.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ivar’s eyes darken and his jaw clench. He held himself up on his crutches and tried propping himself up taller, mostly to intimidate those around him, especially his older brother.

“You came here for Ubbe, my sweet love?” he asked. The pet name you used to love now sounding like acid, a rotten, ugly thing meaning to mock instead of to show his devotion to you.

“I told you I was not here for you.”

“I invited her, Ivar,” Ubbe interjected. I felt him tense and take a defensive stance next to me.

Ivar had his stare glued to me, and I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. His stare held me in place, captivated me there until Ubbe moved to stand in front of me and stand face to face with Ivar.

“She’s with me tonight, little brother.”

Ivar looked at his brother, then at me, glaring at the both of us in the process. After a few tense seconds, he walked off towards the head of the table where he took a seat.

Ubbe and I watched him leave, and I felt the panic begin to hit me full force. Ubbe turned around to look at me, before hugging me tightly to his chest.

“I won’t let him treat you bad again anymore,” he whispered in my ear before letting me go. I smiled up at him and we took a seat at the table.

The drinks were passed all around. More food than I can stomach was splattered everywhere. I talked to Ubbe for hours, laughing at his jokes and listening to his adventure stories from the raid. All throughout the night, I felt Ivar’s heated stare following my every move. I refused to look in his direction. The more alcohol coursed through my veins, the easier I seemed to be able to breathe. And the less I thought about Ivar.

“Shall I walk you to your house?” asked Ubbe.

“Yes, please,” I threw him a smile as we began making our way out of the hall. I chanced a quick glance at Ivar. So much for self-control. He was watching me as I have expected and I could feel the tenseness of his whole body rolling off of him in waves, his jaw clenched and working itself back and forth. The stare was cold, hard and menacing, yet I walked on. The alcohol made me feel numb and for the first time in a long time, I felt free.

As Ubbe and I walked through the village, the cold air surrounded us and I tightened the furs around me to keep myself from shivering. We strolled in comfortable silence, though I could tell there were a lot of unsaid things that hung in the air.

“Ubbe, you have been so kind to me,” I began, pausing to take a deep breath before I continued. “I feel like I should tell you why I have been acting so strange.”

I looked down at my shoes and watched myself take steps forward. “I was raped.”

I felt Ubbe pause for a second before continuing to walk beside me. He stayed silent, though I could tell it took him a lot to do so.

“They came to me after the feast one night. I was tired, and Ivar didn’t want to come to bed just yet. I don’t remember how many there were of them, but I remember their touch and the pain today just as strongly as I felt it that night.” I took a shaky breath, willing the tears to stop pricking my eyes. I never admitted it out loud. To anyone. “Ivar didn’t understand, I couldn’t talk to him, I-”

Ubbe stopped and turned me to face him. He took me into his arms and began whispering sweet, reassuring things into my ear. “Shh, it’s okay. I promise it’s okay, you’re okay.”

I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling. Months of pent up resentment, heartbreak and pain began to spill. I focused on Ubbe and the way he felt in my arms, his scent that I knew so well. I listened to his voice as the memories of all that has happened threatened to take over every single part of my mind. His arms held me tighter to him, and I felt safe. We stayed there for a while before he led me home and tucked me in.

“I promise, I will find them and neither they or anyone will harm you ever again, “ he whispered, as he petted my hair, letting me fall into a deep sleep.

The next morning I woke up way later than I ever have but I wasn’t alone. The chair by my bed had been occupied by none other than Ivar. I shot up from my bed, covering myself with the furs. His crutches were propped up neatly against the wall and he stared at me, though this time his eyes were unreadable. His whole face and stance looked almost like a carving, a statue made out of stone.

“What do you want, Ivar?”

He stayed silent for a pregnant minute. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I was immediately taken aback. “What did Ubbe say?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked again, though this time I could tell there was an undertone of anger and impatience laced in his usually silky voice.

“Ubbe had no right,” I said before I began to get up and out of the bed, not caring in the slightest about Ivar seeing my naked body. After all, we were lovers for a long while, there is nothing he hasn’t seen before.

“Why. Didn’t. You.Tell. Me,” he seethed every word, and I could tell his resolve and well-mastered poker face was slipping.

I sat down back on the side of the bed after I put on some clothes and looked him dead in the eye. “We’re not together anymore, Ivar. What happened, and what I do as of now, is none of your business.”

“Oh, but I suppose it’s Ubbe’s?” his voice was getting louder by the second. “Are you two fucking now? Is that it, huh?”

I scoffed. “That’s rich coming from you, Ivar. You stuck your cock into someone else whilst we were together. “

He clenched his jaw and I could tell it was only a matter of time before he will finally snap.

“We were still together whilst they… They had your way with you! They touched what was mine!”

I flinched at his booming voice. Ivar was feared for a reason. His thirst for blood and domination over everything and everyone was evident. You don’t touch what is his, and they crossed a line as soon as they laid their eyes and then filthy paws on me.

“I couldn’t talk about it,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. I felt his eyes on me the whole time. “I couldn’t talk about it… to anyone, Ivar, “ I said, louder this time as I met his stare.

“Why?” His asked softly, almost pleading with me. Gods, I missed him. Even when his anger was targeted at me and those that have wronged us, even when he was covered in blood on the battlefields all those times, he was still the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on. “You could have come to me with anything, you know that.”

“I couldn’t,” I said, simply. “I felt tainted. I felt dirty and untouchable. The bruises they gave me were still fresh, I felt them for weeks.” I could see what hearing this did to him. Pure hatred seeped from his eyes, and his fist clenched and unclenched. I could tell he was itching to lose control, grab something or slit someone’s throat.

“And then,” I continued. “You fucked a slave, Ivar. I was nearly ready to sit down, tell you what happened but you couldn’t wait, couldn’t be patient enough with me not to stick your dick into something else.”

He flinched at my lifeless, dejected tone. I knew there was no love, no emotion behind what I was saying. Not even an ounce of hatred. I cried out all that I needed the night before, and today it almost felt like all of it didn’t happen to me but to someone else, as if I was the bystander watching someone else’s life.

We sat there, staring at each other in silence. Seconds, maybe minutes have passed by before Ivar pushed himself up and slowly made his way to me. He sat next to me and reached out to touch my cheek with his fingertips. He traced my jaw, the freckles splattered on my face before lastly tracing my lips. His eyes followed the movement of his fingertips, but my eyes stayed focused on his face. His touch still sent shivers down my body, and it took everything I had not to lean in to seal my lips with his like I have done countless of times. I tried to remember the last time I tasted him, the last time I felt him inside me. I guess you never know when the last time will be the last.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” he finally whispered, his breath hot on my skin. “I realised what I was doing and I stopped, kicked her out and spent the night alone, wondering what I ever did to deserve you, only to mess it up.”

The newly revealed information took me back, though it didn’t change the fact that I felt just as betrayed as I did before. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, bracing myself to repeat the same words I have said to him before.

“It’s over, Ivar.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivar doesn't take it well. Ubbe swoops in like the knight in shining armour that he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've never really written before (let alone posted for other people) so any feedback is super welcome. English is my third language, so I do apologise for any mistakes with regards to grammar, spelling and tenses. I will most likely keep writing this if people are enjoying it. Also will be working on an Ivar x OC AU (just thinking up a plot). Any requests and feedback are always welcome!
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this, too! Enjoy.

“It’s over, Ivar.”

I watched as his stoic expression began to slip and vulnerability took its place. The hurt and heartbreak etched across his face were evident, but I couldn’t move, couldn’t take back the words, even though my heart pushed me to. I want to wipe out everything bad that happened. I want to take us both away to a place in the past, where there was no place for anything else but the love and devotion we shared for one another. But then I remembered them, their faces and the girl claiming Ivar’s mouth and it hit me like an axe to my already wounded chest. I can’t do it. Too much has happened and I could not allow myself to slip back. 

“No,” he whispered, his voice on the point of breaking. “Please, I’ll do anything, anything just please don’t leave me.”

I hated that I was the cause of his heartbreak right now, though he broke my heart too. “It’s for the best, Ivar.”

He leaned back sharply as if I slapped him. The hurt in his eyes now brewing into anger. “Best for who exactly?”

I swallowed loudly, my throat dry all of a sudden. “This. Us.”

His face darkened, even more so with the way the soft glow of the sunlight streaming through the window lit up his sharp angles. I could see the tension in his jaw and the way his nostrils flared. He was at a snapping point and I began to feel a seed of fear being planted at the pit of my stomach that grew with every second. Everything he has done before, his cruelty and what he was capable flashed before my eyes. He has never laid a hand on me, though we have never been in such a compromising situation before, only gods knew how he would and could react. 

“You’re mine. I will wait for you and do whatever it takes but you. Are. Mine, “ he said slowly but forcefully, the threat so clear in his voice. Ivar didn’t like to scream, unless it was on the battlefields when he caused blood to flow from the hearts of his enemies, and painted his face crimson. Whenever he bargained or threatened, his voice became a silky low tone aiming to intimidate the best out of everyone, until eventually, he got whatever he wanted. If there was one thing Ivar the Boneless was not used to was hearing the word ‘no’ for one way or another people always gave in to the fear he managed to evoke.

I squeezed my eyes shut, not daring to look at him or succumb to the intensity of his eyes. I knew if I looked into the icy blue of his orbs, my defences would come undone and I would give in to the fear laced with my bodies need of him. 

“If I can’t have you, my love, no one can,” he whispered but before I had the courage to open my eyes, I felt him pick himself up and slither away silently. It wasn’t until I heard the door shut that I finally let out the breath I have been holding. I began to fill my lungs with gulps of air to calm the panic that threatened to push itself out of my throat. 

“I’m okay,” I whispered to myself, remembering Ubbe’s soft voice. “I’m okay.”

 

The village was busy, to say the least. Having the Vikings back and roaming all around, the shieldmaidens and more slaves meant the streets all around were swarmed with bodies, shouts of anger and occasional roars of laughter. Once I had carried out most of my chores, I felt my muscles and the tiredness of the past few nights seep in. There was another feast to be had tonight, celebrating life, gods being kind and of course, not all of the adventures of the raid have been told just yet. Most of the people didn’t mind, the food and ale and good company was the very definition of a perfect time for most of the Vikings. Some were getting bored, and tired of the waiting, hunting and cooking for the multitude of people, but none dared to complain to the sons of Ragnar Lothbrok. 

I tried not to let my mind wander to him, to the threats and the lines he has drawn. Even though I was tired, I was happy and immensely thankful for any sort of distraction from my loud mind. 

“Kari.” A voice snapped me out of my thoughts. 

“Bjorn!” I exclaimed as I threw my arms around his neck. “What took you so long to come see me?” I swatted his arm playfully after I let him go. 

“Hey, woman. Careful or you’ll kill me with those fierce punches of yours,” he let out a chuckle, a glint of mischief formed in his eyes. I could see his lips twitch to form themselves into a smirk. “Is it me or have you gotten stronger?”

“Are you really insulting me after I have not seen you for such a long time?” I feigned hurt, sniffling dramatically and wiping away invisible tears. “And here I thought I was like a sister to you.”

He threw his head back and laughed. “You are and gods, I missed you. How have you been?”

I shrugged. “You missed me so much, you waited a couple of days to see me?,” I teased. “I’m still breathing, so the gods are still keeping me here for something, though for what I cannot say.”

“Since when have you gotten so deep? A simple ‘okay’ would suffice, you know,” he goaded, though his expression grew serious.” I would’ve come sooner but I couldn’t spend another second without my wife. I missed her too much and we didn’t move for the past few nights.” 

I smiled at his dreamy expression whenever he spoke about the one he loved so dearly. I ignored the pang of hurt and whooshed away the memories of seeing Ivar staring me like I was a gift sent from the gods just for him. 

“Are you going to the feast tonight?” I asked him. “Since you haven’t been yet and I am sure they cannot wait to hear all the stories you’re holding in that head of yours.”

“No, I have a delicious feast at home and we have more than enough food to satisfy our hunger if you get what I mean.” He wiggled his eyebrows, a soft smirk graced his lips again. For a moment he was silent. “I heard what happened.”

I wasn’t surprised. Once I told Ubbe, I knew the whole ordeal would start circulating, though I still hoped that it wouldn’t be the case. Whether everyone in the village knew didn’t matter, Hvitserk, Ivar, Bjorn and Ubbe had the knowledge, there was no doubt about it and it was just a matter of time before they found them. 

“Honestly, I really would rather not talk about it,” I said. I felt like I had to constantly relive it though, though the only thing I wanted to do was move on. 

“What about Ivar?” the eldest of the Ragnarssons asked. 

“What about Ivar?”

“Well, last time we were here, I was sure you would get married and give him sons and daughters,” he said. “Now you flinch every time his name is mentioned,”

I sighed, looking for the best words to explain. “Ivar and I are over, Bjorn. That’s all you need to know.”

Bjorn looked at me seriously. “But you were meant for each other…” 

There was no reply to what he said so I simply shrugged and proceeded to go about my task at hand. From across I saw Ubbe heading our way, a smile stretching across his face when I saw him heading here. Bjorn watched mine and Ubbes silent exchange, his eyes forming questions and own conclusions. 

“Hello, Kari,” said Ubbe. “I have been looking for you.”

Bjorn looked between us one more time with calculating eyes. “I have some things to take care of, anyway. I will see you around, Kari,” he said. He nodded to his half-brother in acknowledgement before heading back to the centre. We watched him disappear amongst the stream of people. 

“What is it you were looking me for, Ubbe?” I asked, turning to look at him.

He glanced back at me, a serious expression on his face. “We should sit down.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, anticipation forming in the pit of my stomach. “What for?” I asked anxiously. 

He threw me a gentle smile and gestured for us to sit down on the soft grass. I mirrored his actions and waited for him to continue. 

“I know you are still in love with Ivar,” he began and I tensed at the mention of his brother. “But I have been thinking.”

“Thinking about what?” I breathed out, not liking where this was heading. I never did well with guessing, my mind always going into overdrive making one too many assumptions. 

He took my hand in his and intertwined our fingers together. I remembered the first night, us falling asleep sat by the tree, the feeling of safety that it gave me. I forgot how soft it was, where Ivar’s was rough from all the crawling he did. My hand in his looked like a child’s. “Marry me,” he whispered, finally. 

I was so mesmerised by the dance our fingers created that I was sure I heard him wrong. My eyes shot up to his, meeting his piercing stare. “What?”

“Marry me,” he said, louder this time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ubbe proposes but Kari isn’t too sure, the threat from Ivar still plaguing her mind. What will she do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, I’m not too happy with this chapter but since I’m going away for a few days over Christmas I thought it’d be way too unfair to leave some of you hanging. So here it is. I may rewrite it am due check more for mistakes and repost it when I’m back, depending on your guys’ feedback. Other than that, please enjoyyyyy. And MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU GORGEOUS BASTARDS. I truly hope each and every one of you will have the most fantastic time. And for those who hate it, like me, or have shitty families, just remember that you matter and it will pass. Just breathe through it and read fanfiction to fill the a holes! Cheers, m’dears

“Marry me,” he said, louder this time. 

I felt the shock come over me, and my jaw slacked. Ubbe’s eyes have not left my own, his hand held mine firmly in place, his thumb gently tracing my knuckles. “You don’t have to answer me now, just think about it,” he said, his voice reminding me of soft silks that I only got to touch once as they were brought back from the raids in England. 

“Ubbe...” I began. I looked down on my lap as if it held all of the answers to every single question that a person might have, though all I could find was the uneven hem of my tunic and my dirt covered legs. “I-I..”

“Shh,” he grabbed my face into his hands, cupping my cheek and forcing me to look up at him. “Think about it,” he whispered. “That’s all I ask.”

Slowly letting out a long breath, I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes for a second, feeling all of the emotions stir up inside of me. The two words my heart longed to hear for the past few years have finally been spoken, but not by the person I craved to hear them from. 

I felt Ubbe lean in and shivered as his lips traced my cheek in a feather like kiss. He lingered there for a second, breathing me in and I let him, feeling too shocked and too emotional to think clearly. Blood rushed to my cheeks and painted them crimson when reality of the situation caved in and the close proximity we were in caused panic to course through my veins. I pulled away from his touch. 

I glanced down at my lap, not being able to look him in the eye. “I will think about it, Ubbe.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw his mouth turn up and I felt the beam of joy radiate from him. “That’s all I ask,” he said. 

 

The night brought absolutely no relief of sleep for my loud mind. The two words were playing on repeat, swarming in my mind like poison that took away the rest I so badly craved. Ubbe was right, I still love Ivar, with everything I have. If I was honest with myself, I couldn’t imagine ever stopping, no matter how far apart or close we would be, in Valhalla or breathing here, I could not stop loving him. What was left of my heart still belonged to him. 

My thoughts drifted to Ubbe. He was the kindest out of all of the brothers. He was gentle, yet firm. Soft, yet hard. Loud, yet quiet and calculative. Hvitserk was known for his free spirit driven by a deep need for thrill, and I could not see him being committed enough to be tied down to anyone, at least not for years to come. Ivar… Ivar was strong. Years of torment, only receiving any kind of love from his mother and no one else, a life spent on his hands in dirt and mud, always being looked down upon. His strength was the very thing that made me fascinated with him in the first place. I knew and heard of the rumours, of his ruthlessness and cruelty, yet to me everything seemed justified given the kind of treatment he was graced with. Where they saw a man with no heart, I saw a man with a heart bigger than most. 

I thought back to the silent threat that Ivar made. ‘You. Are. Mine.’ I swallowed hard, willing my racing heart to slow down. What would he do if he found out about Ubbe’s proposal? If I agreed, would blood be shed, as it did with Sigurd? I knew Ivar was capable of killing his own flesh and blood, though Ubbe has never done Ivar harm. Sigurd, however, hated Ivar with a fierceness so strong it never subsided, even for just a second. Ivar hated Sigurd with equal forcefulness and one day he snapped. Would he do the same to Ubbe? 

The dread flowed through my veins, slowly paralysing me. I groaned and pulled the furs up over my head, praying for darkness to swallow me whole, praying to the gods to quiet my mind. I focused on my breathing until I finally eased off into a night of restless sleep. 

 

The morning came too soon. I knew I had to give Ubbe an answer, it was not fair on him to keep him waiting. As I got dressed and made my way towards the training field, I thought about what I will say, though nothing seemed appropriate. 

As the field came into view, I began to hear the clangs and bangs of axes against the wooden shields along with shouts and laughter echoing off of the trees that carried them further into the forest. Ubbe and Hvitserk were the only ones around and as soon as the oldest brother saw me, he dropped his weapon and said something to Hvitserk before making his way towards me. 

Nerves began to tie my stomach into knots. I looked down at my feet, kicking at the stones and branches, letting my hands play with the hem of my tunic, pulling and twisting the loose threads. He stopped in front of me and I felt his gaze spread warmth through my body. 

“You came,” he simply said. I chanced a glance up, his voice and face were both emotionless and I knew he has set a mask in place. “Let us sit,” he nodded towards two tree trunks on the ground rooted opposite each other. 

As we sat down, I took a deep breath. “Why?” I asked, turning my face up to look at him. 

His brows furrowed in confusion and his forehead creased. “Why what?”

“Why do you want to marry me?”

He leaned back, his hands on his knees. His eyes traced my face before letting them drop to the ground. He pondered for a few beats of a heart. “You had to have known…” he began, and I watched as his throat bobbed as he swallowed hard. “You had to have known I have been in love with you for years, Kari.” So much for slowing my heart, I thought to myself. I was silent, willing him to continue. 

“You probably didn’t see it,” he chuckled, though it lacked any trace of humour. “You only ever had eyes for Ivar.” A sad expression gloomed over his features, before he contorted it back into a neutral mask. “I decided that I only ever wish to see you happy, even if it meant you being in my brother’s arms, but I knew if I ever had the chance or opportunity, I wouldn’t allow for it to pass me by.”

I know you don’t hold any affection for me, Kari, but if you will let me I swear by the gods, you will want for nothing. You will hold my heart, my soul will be bound to yours along with my body. I will protect you until my last breath, and make you as happy as you will allow me to.”

My breath hitched in my lungs as my heart hammered in my chest, the sound overpowering in my ears. Tears welled up in my eyes and I got up out to crouch in front of him, taking his face in my hands, tilting it up so I could hold his gaze. They held a silent question, and I could see he was tempted to let his mask drop. I was reminded again of the stark contrast between the brothers, where Ivar’s eyes were oceans, cold and stormy, Ubbe’s were the colour of a cloudless summer sky, reminding me of warmth and the sun kissing and tracing my skin. 

Pushing Ivar out of my mind, I leaned in letting our lips touch. He stiffened for a second, before melting his lips to mine. We tasted each other slowly, gently, before I felt his tongue trace my lip in silent question to deepen the kiss. As our tongues danced together, my hand came up to tangle itself in his hair, my nails massaging his scalp. He let out a moan, and his hands left to trace to my hips. He picked me up and hoisted me up on to his lap, never breaking the kiss. I let out a moan as I felt his hands trace my back. 

We broke the kiss to come up for air, our foreheads leaning against one another. He grinned as wide as I ever saw him grin. “Yes,” I whispered, and he pulled me into another searing kiss. “ Yes, I will marry y-“

 

“GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF HER!” 

Both mine and Ubbe’s heads whipped back at the booming voice, startling us out of the moment. Ivar’s face looked like a wild animal’s. His eyes were dazed with craziness, anger foaming at the corners of his mouth. 

He slithered closer, his movements fluid and precise, never breaking eye contact with this brother. “I said,” he got up even closer, inching his face to meet Ubbe’s.” Get. Your filthy paws. Off. Of. Her.” Each word was laced with venom, one I have never heard on him before. I let go of Ubbe as if I was burned, the panic settling in me fully and completely overtaking my senses. 

The action caused Ivar to zero in on me but only for a brief second. The heated glare sent shivers down my spine and paralysed me in place. “Leave,” he said, through gritted teeth. “My brother and I have much to discuss, hmm Ubbe?”

“Ivar, no,” I tried to say but my voice held no strength. I knew he heard me when his knuckles turned a shade whiter. It became harder to breathe as I struggled to fill my lungs with air but no matter how much I tried I couldn’t. The world began to tilt and blur, slowly losing its colours and shapes as the darkness began to consume and swallow me whole.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened? What will Ivar do?
> 
> *Trigger Warning*: Mention/slight description of torture, mention of panic attacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know it has been a while since I updated but it has been a HECK of a time. I’m moving back to the other side of the world and that’s just too stressful and time-consuming so, I won’t make any promises but once it calms down I will be updating and hopefully will finish the story soon (I doubt it will be super duper long). I hope you enjoy this one, sorry that it’s a little short. Hope the beginning of the New Year has been good to you all!

I woke up to a hammering headache pounding away in my skull. The soft glow of the candlelight flickered softly, allowing my eyes to slowly adjust to the otherwise black-filled room. I tried to prop myself up but the throb of pain that shot through every nerve made me groan.

“You’re awake,” said a soft voice.

“Ubbe?” I asked, trying to search for the source of the voice in the darkness until they finally settled on a silhouette hunched over in the corner by the window. It began to move and my eyes zeroed in on the crutches as they scraped across the wooden floor. I scooted away from him, holding up my knees to my chest.

His face was illuminated by the flickering fire and I was immediately drawn to his eyes, and their cold, hard stare. Once he was by my bed, he reached out to trace my face with his fingertips, his thumb following the outline of my cheekbones, finally settling on the curve of my lips. “I’ve missed you,” he whispered. “I’ve missed this.” He pulled my bottom lip down and in between his thumb and forefinger.

My eyes stayed glued to his, though I could feel my heart hammering in my chest, my breath a constrained gulp in my lungs. “What happened?” I managed to croak out.

He settled himself on the bed, the right side dipped under his weight. He leaned his face closer to mine, even though I was as far from him as I could physically muster. “It doesn’t matter now, my love, we will be together and no one will stop us, hmm.”

As he said the words, his hold on my face tightened slightly and my breath hitched in my throat. He had me locked in place, and I knew that if I tried to move, it would only anger him. As I looked into the depths of his eyes, I wandered back to the days I spent looking into them, admiring the way they reminded me of boats, the sea, and freedom that it could bring. I was never scared of Ivar. He was ruthless, yes, but the anger was never targeted at me.

“Where’s Ubbe?” I asked, but regretted it as soon as the question left my mouth. His face darkened slowly, any trace of softness disappeared and hardened immediately.

“Now, why would you ask such a thing, my love, hmm?” The grip he had on my face hardened more, slowly inking my skin with bruises. “He doesn’t matter anymore, it’s only you and I that matter now.”

“Ivar, what do you mean?” I begged. “Where is he? Where’s Ubbe?”

Ivar stared at me long and hard. I resisted the urge to scream and thrash away from him but the rational side of me knew it would only cause him to hold me tighter, or lash out at me and I was too scared to think of all the things he could do to me.

After a long stretch of silence, he propped himself up on his crutch. “Get dressed, there’s something I want you to see.” With that, he left the room, letting the door shut behind him with a bang.

I let a slow breath out and ran my hands through my hair. The world already felt like it was spinning out of control and I couldn’t get a hold of it, of anything, to make it stop twirling. I waited a couple of minutes before getting up to grab my tunic and fur. Every limb felt soggy, and my legs felt extremely weak, barely supporting my weight. I wondered how long I was out for. The last panic attack I had was when I was four and nearly drowned at the river bank, it caused me to black out and I hit a rock, causing a massive scar at the back of my head. I ran a fingertip against it, instinctively.

As I left the room, the harsh coldness hit me like a thousand needles prickling every inch of my skin. He was sitting down on a tree stump in front of me, and when he saw me he got up with the help of his crutches and began making his way towards the outskirts of the town.

“Where are we going?”

He didn’t answer, nor did he slow down his pace. I followed him, already dreading where he was going and what he wanted to show me. Judging from the darkness surrounding us, it was the middle of the night. Neither the moon or the stars were out, and the owls hooted in the distance. The forest was thick, and not many usually went around here on their own. The paths were covered with wild animals, and it was easy to get lost if you did not stick to the main path.

As we went deeper and deeper in, I noticed Ivar twitching in pain with every step. Being with him for years, I was extremely accustomed to every slight change he had. I wanted to ask him to stop, sit down and rest, but I pushed against the instinct I had grown and harbored over the years of being with him.

We pushed on for a while longer until we stopped in front of a small wooden house that I have never seen before. There were two guards at the door, Viking men that I have seen around in the village a couple of times before. Ivar nodded at them and they opened the door. As we stepped inside, I let out a cry at the sight before me.

Ubbe had his hands tied with a rope that hung to the ceiling, holding him just above the ground. There was fresh blood that trickled down his body, and his head hung forward. I could see the rise and fall of his chest but that was the only indication that he was even breathing and alive.

I felt tears spill down my cheek but I was frozen into place. Ivar shifted next to me and leaned down to whisper in my ear. “You see what happens when someone tries and take what’s mine, my love, hmm?”

“Ivar…,” I began, but I had no words. I took a step forward to Ubbe but Ivar snatched my arm back and pulled me against him, locking me into place.

“When I got my hands on him…” he began, the whispers getting excited. His hand traveled to my neck and chin, forcing me to look at Ubbe as he spoke. “I tied him up and began cutting, slowly. Every slash on his skin is a time he looked at you and spoke to you, any broken bone is for every time I saw him touch you in any way.”

“And that,” he continued, tilting my face downward towards Ubbe’s crotch. “Will be gone if he sticks his cock inside your pussy that belongs only to me, hmm.”

“Ivar…”

“Shh,” he cooed. “All you have to do is admit you’re mine and he will be let go to live out the rest of his miserable life with some whore or a slave.” His grip on me tightened and I swallowed hard.

“I’m yours, I’m yours, I’m yours,” I cried. “Just please let him go.”

His grip on me loosened, though he didn’t let me go. Instead, he turned my head to face him, his eyes were glazed with a craziness and wickedness I have never seen before. He looked like a wild animal, craving the taste of blood. He inched his lips on mine forcefully planting a hard kiss on my lips. “Was that so hard, hmm?”

I turned to look at Ubbe’s limp body. “No, it wasn’t,” I lied.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Ubbe? Is he alive? Can Kari get out alive, or find a sense of normalcy again?
> 
> (bad at these, so please for the sake of Harry Potter, and Vikings and all that is sacred, don't read these. They're just bollocks.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been ages, and I am so sorry for that. Chapter 5 is up! I am guessing the fic is about halfway done, but I won’t make it certain as I have no idea where tf I am taking it. The move has been super stressful, hence I haven’t been updating. But. Here it is! I hope it does not disappoint! Are you team Ubbe or team Ivar? Feedback super encouraged and always welcome!

The world passed around me in a series of blurs and my bones ached from having laid in bed for the past week. There wasn’t an ounce of will to move, and I spent most days staring at the window and out onto the ever-changing sky outside. I watched its colours turn from black to blue to shades of amber and I wondered how could new days start as if nothing happened when my world felt like it has ended.

I prayed to the gods, begged them to help me understand the fate they gave me but all I received was silence. After a while, I stopped.

I thought back to every moment I spent with Ubbe and a pang of pain shot through my chest, making my heartbeat skip every time and with every thought of that night. His face, full of pain, exhaustion, and torment, the blood inking his porcelain skin flashed through my mind and brought fresh tears to my eyes but none would fall. I’ve cried all the tears I could cry.

Ivar came in every day. He’d slither his way across the wooden floor, same as I watched him do a thousand times before, pulled himself into the bed and held me close to his chest. He talked to me about anything and everything, from the food he had to the new battle plans.

“I’ll make you a Queen someday, my love,” he said one night. The whisper sent a shiver of fear down my spine, and it held an undertone of the craze that he had the night I found out about Ubbe. “We will rule the world, the gods will be proud and you and I will spend our eternity at the feasts in Valhalla when the time comes, for the both of us.”

The thought terrified me more than I would care to admit. I have long forgotten about what led me to this point, the men who touched me, who took away any amount of dignity I had. I knew Ivar had found them, and they were long dead or at least in the depths of rotten cells, awaiting Ivar’s famous torture plays.

Even though he visited every day, he never stayed long. Just long enough to pretend that I have never left that day, and nothing has changed.

The sudden knock on the window by my bed startled me out of my thoughts. It was frantic and desperate. I clambered out of the bed and followed the noise. The only light in the room was from the full moon hanging across the raven sky, and I couldn’t see anything outside.

As I opened the window, the harsh air pricked my skin, covering me with goosebumps. “Hello?” I asked softly, too scared of the men guarding my door.

“I don’t have much time,” whispered a voice. “I want you to come with me.”

“Ubbe?” I reached out, terrified that I was imagining his voice. The voice I thought I’d never get to hear again.

His hand clasped around mine. “Yes, Kari it’s me,” he said. My body washed with relief. “Will you come with me?”

I nodded frantically even though he couldn’t see me. “Yes.”

He gave my hand a tight squeeze. “In a week, the same time as now, I will be here. Be ready.”

“I…”

“There’s no time. I will be back,” he said. “Until then, I need you to stay safe, do whatever he asks you to do, Kari.”

The door outside creaked slowly and before I could reply, Ubbe was gone and the only thing I faced was the icy breeze that blew gently across my face.

“What’s my love doing by the window, hmm?” He asked. I heard the floorboards creaked behind me as the all familiar sound of Ivar’s movements echoed across the room. “You’ll catch a cold.”

With every ounce of will I could muster, I painted on a smile, forcing my features to stretch out across my face. Turning around to face him, I watched his face contort into one of surprise though it came as quickly as it went. He took me in for a second, his eyes hungrily drinking in my nightgown, lingering on my chest.

“I just needed a bit of fresh air is all,” I said, before making my way back to bed. I lifted half of the covers and held them up. “Well, are you going to join me?”

My heart hammered against my rib cage as I watched him eagerly crawl up to the bed. I knew I had to do it, play nice so he lets off his guard. Play nice. Play nice. Play nice.

As he turned around to face me, he traced my face with his fingertips, watching the line his finger made. “I love you, Kari, so much so that if any man, or death itself, tries to rip you from me, I will rip the throat out of the man and I will tear the doors of Valhalla open and bring you back to me.”

Once upon a time, those words would bring and tangle our bodies together. We’d make love for hours, and I’d watch his face form into one of pleasure, adoration, and love and beg the gods to etch it into my entire memory so everything else will cease to exist. Once upon a time, those words were ones I craved to hear, no matter when and where. That was all before. Now, they make me feel sick.

I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes, hoping and praying that neither my voice or my eyes would betray the turmoil and revolution I felt buzzing inside me. Instead, I focused on the hope that Ubbe’s voice and promise have me and hoped it would be enough. He’s alive. “I love you too, Ivar.”

He seemed content with my answer as he leaned his lips to close on mine. It was the softest kiss I’ve ever received from him, yet it felt like spikes poked at my lips and the taste was bitter and foul. Just as I was about to pull away, Ubbe’s face and plan flashed in my mind. Play nice.

————

 

The rumours of Ubbe’s sudden disappearance seemed to linger across the yards, and they were written across the hard stares everyone kept throwing as I walked past. People greeted me nonetheless, some forcefully, some genuinely and some nonchalantly. I didn’t particularly care for any of them.

The rumours vary, some say he ran off to marry a slave girl, some say he died, some were right in their rumours and some thought he simply went away on a raid of his own. The fact I wasn’t seen for a week added more suspicion and puzzle pieces for the conversations.

I picked up some fresh fruit and clothes, carrying out some chores along the way before making my way to the main hall. I needed to make the plan work.  
The hall was full of men. The wooden table, filled with as much food as the eye could see, stood right in the center. All around it were round-bellied men, most of which were old Vikings, drunk off of their beverages.

Right at the top was Ivar, his left hand was resting gently on his chin and lips, as he watched and studied everyone. Being with him for so long, I knew he was contemplating everyone’s moves, mannerisms and finding their weaknesses. Looking at him from afar, he reminds me of a hawk, watching and waiting for its prey.

As the men began to notice me entering, some began to throw me hungry stares. Ivar’s eyes followed the men’s attention and fell on me they softened slightly but turned hard when he noticed the stares that lingered on me from around the room.  
A man reached out to grab my butt, but before his hand touched me Ivar’s voice hushed the room. “She’s mine,” was all he said. The men went ashen at the tone of his voice, low and laced with menace.

I walked over to him, and his eyes fell on me, watching my every move. I threw him a slow smile, and his eyes immediately softened. For a second, I felt a pang if the love I used to have for this man before everything came tumbling back into the flashbacks.

His other brother Hvitserk sat to the right of him and he watched our exchange, amused. I never got too close to Hvitserk, he never really talked much to anyone outside of his immediate family.  
As I stood before Ivar, he pulled me in and sat me on his lap. His hands held my waist protectively and his lips searched for my neck, kissing it and biting it, leaving a mark. I leaned into his touch, closed my eyes and tried not to flinch away or tense up.

The hall was still quiet, but as his lips let go of my flesh, the noise picked up again and went back to the rowdiness it held before. Ivar breathed me in, running his nose across my throat, occasionally nibbling at it gently. “Mine,” he whispered. “Forever, only mine.”

Play nice.


End file.
